It is hard to be a mom without feeling guilt. How to DEAL with guilt
becomes the burning question.
Don't we all feel it? Don't we wonder...
"Am I doing enough?", "Am I doing the best thing for him?", "Is it ok for me
to take care of my own needs?","Am I taking care of his needs?", "Am I doing
this right?", "Do other moms feel this way?", "Shouldn't I be doing more?", "Why
does he do that?", "Why do I feel like this?", "Why can't I..." and the
questions go on and on.
Moms of special needs kids, including kids with Sensory Processing Disorders,
become particularly plagued by this guilt. We have the added complications
of needing to have/give more time, more patience, more specialized knowledge,
more advocating, more strength, more, more, more of everything it seems.
How do we keep it all together? How do we know we are doing the best we
know how, and that is good enough? How do we keep our feelings and
emotions in control?
Well, despite the hundreds of questions we could ask, let me stop you there
before you overwhelm yourself! Luckily, Lori Radun has the answers.
And, don't worry, "mommy guilt" can also be "daddy guilt"...it is not gender
specific. I think you will find some hope here in Lori's words and the
resources provided below! Take care of your children, let go of guilt, and
take care of yourself too!
5
Ways to Zap "Mommy Guilt"
By Lori Radun
I remember, almost 14 years ago, bringing my son Kai home from the hospital.
We had borrowed an old car seat from someone we knew. I placed all 6 lbs
14 oz. of him into the car seat and suddenly burst into tears. The car seat
was way too big for him. I really felt I had failed him. I mean what kind
of mother doesn't know he needed an infant car seat? The sudden awareness
that I didn't know what I was doing hit me like a ton of bricks. The nurses
were gone and I was on my own.
From the moment you become pregnant until the day you or your child dies,
you try to be the very best mom you can be to your children. It doesn't
take long, however, before you make mistakes. Parenting doesn't go as
planned. Your children do outrageous things. Accidents happen. Feelings
get hurt. Children go down the wrong path. Your marriage struggles. And the
feelings of guilt inevitably follow. It doesn't matter if your children
are young or grown; motherhood guilt is always a struggle.
So how can you minimize those pesky, guilty
feelings? Here are some helpful tips to help you zap the guilt and enjoy the
journey of motherhood.
Stop Comparing Yourself and Your Children to Others
Is Kayla sitting up yet? When did Matthew start walking? My child knows all
her colors and the whole alphabet and she's only two. Does your son play
travel sports? What did your daughter get on the SAT test? My son is 28 and
he is still not married. Comparing our children to other children is an
easy trap to fall into. But it is not healthy for our children or us as
moms because every child is different. They each have different strengths,
weaknesses, developmental patterns and personalities. Let your children be
who they are and avoid the comparison game.
Just like you shouldn't compare your children to other children, the same
goes for you. Let go of any need you have to compare yourself to other moms.
Todd Parr wrote a great children's book called "The Mommy Book".
In this
book, he talks about how all mommies are different. Some mommies like to
cook and some like to order pizza. Some mommies work in tall office
buildings and some work at home. I have a friend who is the epitome of June
Cleaver. Almost all her meals are home cooked. She makes all her children's
Halloween costumes. She is totally organized and structured with her
children's school work and activities. If I compare myself to her, I am
plagued with feelings of guilt. I make Hamburger Helper for my family,
purchase all their Halloween costumes and I consistently fail at structure
with my kids. But I'm still a great mom, and so is she. It's okay to be
different.
Accept Your Limitations as Well as Your Children's
You don't have to be all things to your children and your children don't
have to be all things to you. In other words, it's okay if you make
mistakes. And your children deserve the same grace. One of the things I
often struggle with is thinking I need to be my child's constant playmate.
I have to be honest. Sometimes I don't feel like playing cars or looking
at another car magazine. Sure, my child may feel disappointed if I say no,
but it doesn't mean I am not being a good mother. I have my limits and I
need to respect them. All moms have limits. When we go over our limits, we
usually become irritable and short-tempered. Exceeding our limits can cause
a vicious cycle of behaving in a way that makes us feel guilty.
Your children have limitations too. Just because a child has a bad day of
misbehavior doesn't mean you are doing something wrong. While I was on
vacation this past week, there were days that my 3-1/2 year old was a
little monster. He was in time out constantly. Of course, all the other
little children around were perfectly well behaved. At one point, I was
exasperated and I asked my aunt, "What is wrong with him?" My aunt reassured
me that he is fine - he's just being a kid. It's times like this that we
often question our parenting. Sometimes I think it's helpful to just
understand that motherhood has its good days and bad days and it has very
little to do with our ability to parent our children.
Apologize When You Are Wrong
Let's face it. Sometimes we blow it. We say or do something to our child
that we immediately regret. If this ever happens to you, apologize
immediately. Our children then learn that we are human and we make mistakes.
Children are very forgiving and forgiveness conquers guilt. There is
nothing more humbling than being able to admit when we behaved in a way we
know is wrong.
Right after we took the pacifier away from our preschooler, he decided he
wasn't going to take naps. My son went from taking a 3 hour nap everyday
to taking no nap at all. One day, after trying for several days and failing,
I was insisting my son take a nap. I was tired and I needed a break more
than he did. My little strong-willed boy was determined to stay awake. Not
only was he refusing to sleep, he was also refusing to stay in his bed.
His attitude was one of defiance and his fighting was wearing me down.
After several attempts to make him nap, I lost my temper. I yelled at him
and told him he was going to take a nap. In utter frustration and anger, I
spanked him and stormed out of his bedroom.
The guilt smacked me in the face. I treated my son in a way I totally
disagreed with. I don't believe in spanking, especially when one is angry.
I immediately went to God and pleaded for forgiveness. Not only did I
apologize to God, but I had a long heart to heart talk with my little guy.
I told him how sorry I was and explained that I was angry. He told me he
was mad too. We hugged and made up. I knew then I had been forgiven by both
God and my son.
Don't Buy Into Others Attempts to Make You Feel Guilty
Everyone has their own set of rules and values they live by. Oftentimes,
when people can't accept differences in other people, they impose their
opinion, often resulting in attempts to instill guilt, conscious or not.
At the end of the summer, I took a 3 day retreat to reenergize. I went to
Door County by myself and had a wonderful time shopping, watching movies,
reading, and sightseeing. Upon my return home, I was faced with disapproving
remarks from my mother-in-law. She couldn't understand how I could go on a
vacation by myself. I knew in my heart and soul that I did nothing wrong,
despite how others might have viewed the retreat.
Children are really great at attempting to manipulate with guilt. They know
our buttons and are very aware of what tugs on our heart. My teenager is
very skilled at using guilt to try and get his way. He'll say, "I never get
to do anything fun" or "You never spend any time with me". He knows that
it's important to me that I spend time with him, so he uses that to pull on
my heart strings. Stay strong and secure with who you are as a mother and
these attempts to make you feel guilty will fall by the wayside.
We are Not Responsible for Everything our Children Do
Just because we gave birth to our children does not mean we are responsible
for all their behaviors. Children have a mind of their own and often don't
listen to the wisdom we give. We can be the best mom and our children will
still make mistakes that take us by surprise. One evening I was babysitting
my friend's little baby. The evening was going along just fine until I had
to feed the baby. My 3 year old was sitting next to me, watching me spoon
the barley cereal into the little guy's mouth. I was holding the bowl in
one hand and the spoon in the other. Don't ask me what provoked my child,
but in 1 second flat, he had smacked the bowl of cereal out of my hand. The
bowl of cereal, on its way to the back of the couch, ricocheted off the
baby's eyebrow, leaving a big bump on his head. Cereal was everywhere,
including in the baby's eye. I now had a hysterical infant and a laughing
preschooler. Call it jealousy, or call it curiosity, but I can assure you I
never taught my child to behave like that. Although I was horrified by my
child's behavior, I knew that I was not to blame for his outburst. I am his
mom, and I am responsible for teaching him right from wrong, but I cannot
always control how my children behave.
Unless you are severely neglecting your child or setting a very bad example
for your children, there is no reason for you to feel guilt. God chose you
to be the mother of your children, and He doesn't make mistakes. God does
not expect you to be a perfect mother and he does not expect you to raise
perfect children. So relax, have confidence, and enjoy the journey of mother
hood.
About the author:
Lori Radun, CEC - certified life coach for moms. To get her FREE newsletter
and the special report "155 Things Moms Can Do to Raise Great Children",
go to
http://www.true2youlifecoaching.com
Article Source:
http://EzineArticles.com/